


Maybe

by Ashiepants



Series: Head Over Feet [29]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Hurt and comfort, Romance, advise, argument, break ups
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-27 07:55:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5040238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashiepants/pseuds/Ashiepants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe this was never going to work out the way they planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe

"I'm sorry." The text sat in Sonny's phone unsent all weekend. Sometimes he'd change it to "I'm so sorry." But either way he had a hard time pressing send. 

He didn't know what to do. Attempting to talk to Alex in person resulted in further argument and her just giving up. Even the few short months he'd spent with her, Sonny knew she didn't really mean that. He was pretty sure she didn't mean that. She was scared and hurt and this is easier. But Sonny didn't give up that easy. Not with Alex, he couldn't. 

Text was probably the wrong way to say sorry but he was afraid to call her or show up at her apartment. He was afraid she wouldn't pick up, or slam the door in his face, or just not answer. 

Friday in his anger he stomped around his apartment knowing it would annoy Alex down below. But now that felt childish and stupid. 

All three of his sisters asked about Alex and what happened after they left Thursday, but Sonny didn't feel like telling them they might be breaking up. He didn't even like thinking that was what was happening. 

If he couldn't talk to Al and he couldn't bear to tell his family, he did the next best thing. He talked to Walt. 

"You know I'm not on your side right?" Walt said as soon as Sonny opened his door on Sunday. 

Sonny smirked. "Yeah. That's why I called ya. You can do that tough love thing."

Walt laughed. "Me? I'm a kitten."

"Isn't the word cub?" Sonny smiled scratching at Walt's scruffy cheek. 

"Ooh you're learning the homo-vocab! Switchin' teams while my sister has the cake shop closed?" 

Sonny blushed. 

"Don't ya already have a boyfriend?" Sonny wiggled his eyebrows. "Why didn't you bring Barba to Thanksgivin'?"

"Are you nuts? Why would I subject him to all those Carisi's? He barely tolerates you!" Walt joked. "Besides it's only been a few weeks and it's not like it's serious or anything like-"

"You're like 5 shades of red right now." Sonny smirked, then shook his head. "Of all the fucking people in this city...Rafael Barba!"

Walt punched his shoulder. "This isn't about me. It's about you and your...temper?"

"He hit a nerve!" Sonny scowled following Walt to the kitchen. 

Walt opened the fridge like he owned the place. "He was bein' a total asshole but- where's the IPA, snookums?"

Sonny shrugged. "Don't feel much like drinkin'."

"Beer's not drinkin'!" Walt rolled his eyes.

"I dunno, it just makes me a little uneasy, what with Henry and-"

"Stop." Walt turned to look at him. He shut the fridge and the hint of a grin left his face. "You don't really know Henry and-"

"Yeah but he-"

"Sonny I'm serious. I'm not...he's got a problem. We all know that but you start in on that with Al and she's not going to listen to a word you say."

"Even when he talks to her like that? Yells at her!" He argued. 

"Yeah. He's still her big brother." Walt explained. "And he's not a bad guy, he had a bad night. Maybe a lot of bad nights..."

Sonny frowned. 

Walt picked back up. "But he loves Alex. And she loves him a lot too. Coming in between siblings is probably not the best way to win your girlfriend back."

Sonny nodded. 

"I'm not going to defend Henry, but this is kind of about you and Alex." Walt crossed his arms and leaned on the counter. "First of all I told you this would happen..."

"No you didn't!" Sonny claimed. 

"I said that she's gonna run if it gets tough and she did. Have you even talked to her?"

"Not since Friday mornin'... When I...left." He sighed. 

"What did you say?"

Sonny struggled. "Well we fought again and she just...she was done. She said she wasn't cut out for this-"

"That's when you gotta fight for her!" 

"I did!" Sonny defended. "I said we don't give up and she said 'we don't do anything.'"

Walt frowned. 

"And then she said I wasn't her family and I got pissed and I...left. And I think she threw something at the door." Sonny explained. 

"Yeah that's pretty bad." Walt's eyebrows knitted. 

"I've just been home all weekend trying to figure out what to say to her."

Walt scratched his unshaven chin. "I dunno man. I'm not really the relationship expert. I spent most of my last one in a foreign country. I'm really good at Skype sex if you need help with that!"

Sonny rolled his eyes. "Oh and I'm an expert? The first time I brought anybody home that wasn't my 17-year-old girlfriend and I assault her brother!"

"You dated a 17-year-old? Shouldn't you turn yourself in for that?"

Sonny glared. "I was 17 too! I- Ya know what- I need your help!"

Walt sighed. "I can talk to her. She just needs a little time, I'm sure!"

"I dunno. I kinda want her to come to me herself. I want her to realize it." Sonny explained. 

"You'll be waitin' a long time."

Sonny sighed and retreated to the couch to sit. 

"I fucked up!" He sighed again. "It's my fault. Ya know she said commitment wasn't her thing and I pushed her! I didn't let her do things in own time. I'm not her type anyway right? She likes doctors and-"

"Losers?" Walt groaned. "Al doesn't know what's good for her sometimes. Besides she went out with doctors because they're in close proximity and her Dad and grandfather were doctors. Not because it's a type. You were good for her in all the right ways."

"But I'm not anymore?"

"That's not what I mean." Walt smirked. "I don't know what to do or say to her but she's not going to do it herself. She's really stupid that way."

Sonny was quiet. He didn't want to be the one to fix it this time. 

"Maybe you should just apologize." Walt added. "Be honest. Don't bring up Henry. Tell her you love her-"

"I've told her a hundred times." Sonny started to be frustrated again. "She doesn't want someone to love her!"

Walt narrowed his eyes. "That's not true. She loves you too."

"She has a lousy way of showing it!" 

"All Al does it show it!" Walt yelled. "She doesn't say it often but it's in her body language. The things she does for you. She's the same way with us."

Sonny thought about the way she was after he got shot, fighting with their neighbors about the noise they were making while he slept. Cleaning up his apartment. Showing off in front of the squad a few weeks back, in that little black dress. The way she spoke to Barba about Sonny upon meeting him... Sonny smiled a little. 

"So you don't think it's...over?" Sonny swallowed. 

Walt frowned and shook his head. "Not yet..."  
****  
"Hey, how are you?" Walt asked cautiously as he walked into Alex's extremely clean apartment

It was immaculate. No take out boxes. None of Sonny's ties on the chair or her scrubs bunched where they had been torn off in passion. Not a single coffee mug adorned the table. It was hospital clean.

Alex even seemed extra clean. "It's good. I'm running to work soon."

She rushed around chopping broccoli into little spears and putting them in a plastic container. Walt looked concerned. 

He opened her microwave. "You cleaned your microwave? Al, that bad?"

She scowled. "You have a relationship beard! How long as it been? A month? Already comfy!"

"Shut up!" Walt complained scratching the growth on his cheeks. 

"Have you talked to Sonny?" He asked, knowing the answer. 

"About what?" She munched on a carrot stick out of the pile she packed next. 

"About-" he shook his head. "Lex, he told me about your fight..."

"Did he send you over here?" She looked fiery. 

"No. I came on my own." He sighed. "Are you-"

"Am I what?" She didn't look at him. "I didn't do anything wrong here. He hit my brother and...acted like an asshole. I hate him!"

"You don't actually mean all that..."

"Yes I fucking do!" She claimed. "I'm...beyond angry!"

"I know that Alex but you don't think he deserves the right to apologize?" He stuck up for Sonny. 

"So he can do it again? He doesn't get to just come in here and tell me how I feel about my family. He has no fucking idea! How hard it-"

"I know that Al. He knows that! You don't think he knows. He's so in love with you."

"He wants me to be someone else." She held firm. 

Walt crossed his arms. "So you're going to just be stubborn about it? It gets hard again and poof!?"

"No not poof!" She glared. "I can't date a cop! You were right. It's dad all over. He's going to get hurt and I can't handle that. Plus he's...we're different. I'm not going to be Annette Carisi. I can't even make a pie."

"You're gonna be mad about a pie?" He rolled his eyes. "She's a bitch if she doesn't like you because you lied about a store bought pie! Sonny didn't care about the pie!"

She glared at her vegetables struggling not to explode. Walt sighed again. It killed him to see her this hurt but he knew how truly sensitive his sister could be. She controlled herself. She was stubborn and she could hold on all day before she broke. The illusion of strength. 

"Ya know Henry tried to call you. He wanted to say sorry." Walt frowned. 

"For what!"

"For making a scene! Once he sobered up he was sorry. You knew he would be..." Walt chewed his lip. "He could've hurt himself."

They were both quiet for a minute. Alex sniffed but her cheeks remained dry. 

"I gotta go to work."

"Can you do me a favor?" He asked. 

"What?"

"Will you talk to Sonny?"

She turned with a scowl. 

"Alexandra Rivkah, you fucking love that man! Why do I have to tell you that!?" He yelled. "If you don't let him apologize you're going to hate yourself and it's not going to make anything better!"

"So he did send you!"

"Actually he told me specifically not to come down here because he hopes you can forgive him on your own. Ya know, that maybe you do love him!"

"I do love him!"

"Good!" Walt yelled, but he sighed. "I'm not going to tell you what to do Alex."

"Too late for that." She rolled her eyes. 

"Al I want things to be okay for you guys again. This is killin you."

"Or maybe I broke out of my illusions." She looked at him. She frowned. "You're right, okay. I love Sonny but I'm...I'm not ready for all this."

"Then tell him that don't just shut him out...you're in it together. You're not in a relationship by yourself!"

She smirked. 

"What?"

"That's what he said." She frowned. A pang of guilt hit her but she didn't say anymore. "I gotta get to work."

Walt sighed. "Walk ya to the subway?"

Alex nodded.  
****  
Sonny swallowed and walked slowly down the hall. He felt stupid. He'd made this walk a dozen times. 

'You have a key, dummy!' He reminded himself. He could slip inside her apartment if he wanted, but she wouldn't respond kindly to that. He reached the door and rapped slowly. 

No answer. He purposely didn't call out her name in case that turned her from answering at all. 

"Alex?" He called, knocking again. 

She could be asleep. It was early. It was probably weird if he went in and she was asleep in there but if she wasn't home... That wasn't that weird, right? He could leave a note, something more personal than texting her. The key was in the lock before he had decided. 

The apartment was spotless. It was jarring. It reminded him of how Al had cleaned his apartment after he was shot. He'd never noticed she was a stress cleaner, but looking around it seemed that way. Nothing was out of place except that her laptop was open on the counter top in the kitchen. He touched it briefly to push it away from the space he needed to write and the screen came back to life. 

Facebook came into view. Sonny smirked. Maybe she was changing her relationship status to "it's complicated." Instead the chat window was up. She'd been chatting with her best friend Sarah. Sarah worked at the bar Alex frequented and had been her ever present wing woman pre-Sonny. He immediately went to close it but the phrase "let's get you wasted and laid" stuck out. He knew he shouldn't pry but couldn't help it. 

He read their whole conversation which started yesterday. She called him an asshole at least half a dozen times and he rolled his eyes. The more he read the angrier he got. It wasn't the insults both of them threw around about him more of the general tone. Alex sounded like she was moving on. Sarah urged her to come see a band on Thursday, get drunk, and "get it in." The brazenness of the phrase made his lip curl. He couldn't even remind himself that this was a private conversation. It just reminded him that Alex wasn't a good girl. He thought he liked that she wasn't. It kind of turned him on but now it just felt like he was a pawn. He was "a guy" and not special to her in any way. If he had been why would she be pulling up the Facebook profile of Carter Siemens the lead singer of Cap'n Geech. 

'Whatever the fuck kind of band that is.' Sonny rolled his eyes. 

"He's kinda cute." Alex had responded. "Maybe."

Maybe. That's what Alex thought of their relationship. Maybe. Maybe she'll go bang some ugly punk. Maybe she'll throw away a relationship because of one bad night and a pumpkin pie. 

Sonny sneered. He shut her laptop and pulled the pad she kept on the counter towards him. He scribbled a furious note signing it S. He grabbed his keys out of his pocket and fought the key with the blue nail polish dot off the ring, weighting down his note with the key. 

Walt was wrong. Alex had no intention of making up with Sonny. She was the same as she'd always been. He turned the lock on her knob hoping that'd be secure enough because he no longer had a key to lock up her apartment. He slammed the door behind him and stomped to the elevator.   
****  
Alex assumed after working all night that returning to her her spic and span apartment in the morning she'd feel brand new. Reality was much worse of course. 

"Did I forget to lock the deadbolt?" Alex asked herself when she went in having only the lock on her knob as a barrier. She left with Walt. Maybe she hadn't realized. Sonny would've scolded her about basic safety. 

She was tired but seeing all the empty spaces in her place made her mind start to race. Running around the floor temporarily eased all her worries but now she had the freedom to freak out about the relationship she probably effectively ended. 

Maybe if she'd been more honest the whole time Sonny would've been ready for Henry. Maybe Henry would've been ready for Sonny. Maybe if she had Thanksgiving with her brothers instead of the Carisis everything would be fine. Maybe she shouldn't have forced herself to think she was ready to be in a serious relationship. 

This wasn't a feeling she was used to. She was always so disconnected from the guys she slept with. Sonny WASN'T a guy and that was just it. She fell hard and let go of all the rules she strictly adhered to: no falling in love. She should've known this. Seeing him in the hallway, watching him from a distance, listening in on his life upstairs, she'd built him up. Then when it all started to happen it was easy to get caught up in him. He was eager and sincere. If he was ever scared he didn't let it show. That confidence encouraged hers. She trusted him. 

Maybe this was his fault. She assumed he knew what he was doing even if she didn't. But he wasn't any better. 

She strained her ears but she was sure he wasn't upstairs. It was after 9 he was probably long gone. She sighed. She didn't know what to do with herself. She cleaned the apartment top to bottom, mostly so she could tuck away traces of Sonny from immediate view. But it left her with nothing to focus on. 

She took a shower, extra long and extra hot but frowned at the second toothbrush on the counter. She shoved it in the vanity drawer and continued changing. 

She'd pushed Sonny's shirt to the very bottom of her hamper yesterday but couldn't stop looking at the corner of blue peeking out of the basket. It was calling her. She rolled her eyes and found her dad's old shirt, slipping it on with some sweats. She went into the kitchen frowning at her lack of junk food. She ate almost all of it Friday and everything left she tossed on Saturday and stocked the fridge with good food. 

"Why did I buy eggs?" She scolded herself. "I can't fucking cook."

She stared at the contents of the fridge but was unsatisfied with them. 

She turned to the counter behind her noticing for the first time that she left her laptop on the counter. Sarah had been begging her to go see a band and "hook up" on Facebook. A band and some drinks maybe but hooking up sounded out of the realm of possibility. It didn't sound like something that would satisfy. There was something next to the laptop though. 

It was a key. Sonny's key, she recognized the nail polish. Under the key was a note in his handwriting. She swallowed. Sonny had been here? 

'You know what, Alex, fuck you. You can have this if I'm just some asshole to you. Don't bother giving mine back, I'll just change the locks. -S'

Her heart sank. What made him think that...

"My laptop was on." She remembered and opened it. Sure enough, her conversation with Sarah was up next to the profile that she'd linked her too. 

For a second she was hurt he felt he needed to give her her key back over stupid gossipy girl talk, but then thought about how he shouldn't have been reading it at all. How dare he. Even if he was her boyfriend, that doesn't give him the right to her private conversations. How dare he enter her apartment at all when she wasn't here. That had to be a violation of privacy, even if he had a key. 

She balled up his note and threw it in the trash. She angrily stomped over to the couch with her laptop and messaged Sarah about Sonny. It was still only 10am. She probably wasn't awake yet. Walt probably was, but he would be too level-headed for the rage she wanted to satisfy. 

She had a better idea. She put down the laptop and picked up her phone instead. She dialed his number surprised it was still in there. 

'Pick up, pick up.' She urged. 

"Hey!" She was relieved to hear his voice. "Long time no talk."   
****


End file.
